Guess Where I Didn't Go Yesterday....

CHEMO!  Yep ... no chemo, no blood draw the day before, no 7 days of neupogen injections, no 10 days of feeling crudy ... no more chemo!  Yay!  Three weeks ago .. February 14th (I "love" that day) ... was my last of 6 chemo treatments!  It's amazing how time flies when you're having fun!  The next step is radiation ... a party, compared to chemo, I've heard!  I will go 5 days a week for 6 weeks ... 30 treatments in all.  ... And speaking of parties ... Kendyll and Shanna actually gave me a party last night to celebrate "no chemo" day ... they are soooooo sweet.  There was lots of yummy food and family.  And the blizzard that unexpectedly blew in hardly dampened our spirits.  I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so much love! 

It did seem to take a little longer to pull out of that last treatment, but as soon as I got feeling good, I made my way to Utah for a long overdue visit with my kids and grandbabies!  It's been a great time ... besides hugging Wesley, Jack and Avery ... I've had lunch with Chris Curtis (Brad's mom), gone to the Carl Bloch exhibit at the BYU MOA (don't miss it!) with my mom & dad & Blake, watched a couple of great and awful BYU basketball games, and gone to the new Church History Library with Reed & Shanna. 

But the really wonderful event of the last week was going to the Salt Lake Temple with Blake on Tuesday, March 1st.  If you didn't already know ... and I should have blogged about it sooner ... Blake received a mission call to the Netherlands Belgium Mission and is to report to the MTC on May 18th.  So, knowing that we would be coming up here and would be near lots of family, we made a plan to go to the temple.  Harold drove up with Blake & I, spent the weekend and flew back on Wednesday morning.  Joining us were Grandma & Grandpa, Aunt Marie & Uncle Richard, Kendyll & Brad, Reed & Shanna, Chad, cousin Katherine, and Dustin Drees.  It was a truly wonderful evening.  We gathered for dinner afterwards and next to being in the temple all together, I don't think I have any more joy, than listening to my children talk and laugh together.  It is heaven on earth!

One other special experience ... when my mom & I went to receive the names of women that we would be proxy for in the temple, I noticed that her name was a familiar name.  I also glanced at the stack of pink slips at the name that came after mine which was also easily recognizable.  But when the sister handed me the paper with  the name of the woman I would represent that night, she said, "I hope you speak Dutch".  Yes, she had been born in the Netherlands!  And I thought, "well ... I'll really butcher her name tonight, but in a couple of years when my son returns from his mission, I'll know how to pronounce it!"  The Lord certainly knows who & where we are!

So basically ...

no chemo
grandchildren
parties
fabulous art
family
temple

Life IS Good!

.... how hard can it be .....

Lesson #4 ... Sometimes ... pretty hard ....

I told you when I first started this blog where the title came from ... my poor friends over the years ... none more-so that Betsy have heard it time and again, "How hard can it be?" ... and I'm usually serious!  Like the time we cut & sewed! thick leather badges for the entire stake young women - nearly crippling us for life, or when we cross-stitched cutesy logos on half a dozen sweatshirts - hours and hours of stitching  (we did THAT more than once!), or most-famously when I insisted that she buy those two old recliners and some plaid, yes PLAID fabric (that needs to match perfectly) so that we could reupholster them - you guessed it .. no previous experience .... How hard can it be?  THAT debacle took us probably six weeks with one of the chairs literally being upholstered 3 times!  So, I admit it ... my main character flaw is that I think there's basically nothing I can't do ... no grip on reality!

But cancer is kicking my behind ... 

A friend has been pestering me about keeping a log of my symptoms and side effects ... and I'm like .. "Why would I want to remember this?"  But I think now ... Lesson #5 ... so that I can see my limitations ... and count my blessings ...

So, some of this will be boring for you, but I just want to document a little of what I've been through ... and here is my disclaimer:  I will be honest, but not graphic. I never mean to imply that my experience is the standard or that I am enduring this any better than anyone else.  TO THE CONTRARY!  I think I have been extremely blessed with mild side effects, so, "easy for me to be cheerful".

Here goes ..

I started my treatments on November 1, 2010.  The first one was kind of the hardest first, because I didn't know what to expect and second, because it's just such a shock to your body.  I had a little trouble just dealing with the IV. And I had heard from one friend that she had felt better within about 3 days (I later figured out that we had had totally different chemo treatments), so I went home expecting to be up and around in a couple of days.  When that didn't happen, I really struggled and pushed to make myself recover.  Of course, that didn't work ... hahaha ... Then, I was able to talk with another friend who had received the same chemo regimen that I was.  She gave me a more realistic view of  what to expect ... that it was really more of a 10-day thing ... and I was able to relax and accept the process.

The second treatment was much easier, but I think only because I was prepared ....

Each treatment basically goes like this:   Starting Sunday, the day before treatment, I begin a 3 day regimen of taking a steroid day and night.  It is designed to help my body better accept the chemo.  I've noticed I get bright red cheeks and think this might be a side effect of the "roids" as Blake calls them.  Sunday afternoon I go in for bloodwork.  I can't believe that I've gotten used to that!  Now, I just walk in, lay my arm up on the table & say "go for it .. the veins are good!"  (I've actually regularly prayed for my veins specifically and one time when I mentioned this to my chemo nurse, before she inserted the IV, she said quietly, "bless this vein") Then on Monday, we check in and have a consultation with my oncologist, Dr. Thomas Sweet ... yeah, SWEET!  He reviews my bloodwork, asks about side effects, and does a short physical exam to check my lungs, etc.  He's warm & funny & honest.  We like Dr. Sweet!

Then, we wait for a bit before being called into the chemo suite, a  long room with recliner-type chairs and some beds on either side of the room.  Each patient has a tv & vcr ... yes, vcr, haha, and a chair for one visitor, plus the tower hook up for the IV drugs.  My actual chemo isn't even mixed until I've seen my doctor and all my bloodwork checks out.  Then the fun begins!  I receive 3 different drugs in a regimen called "TAC".  One of the drugs is colored bright red to indicate its toxicity and has to be administered manually.  I suck on ice chips during that  particular drug because it has been shown that to do so helps in avoiding  mouth sores.  Thankfully it has worked well for me!  It takes about 3 hours to receive all the drugs.  It's not painful, and I've taken to sending Harold out for Subway or Arbys!

By the time we get home, I'm just tired.  I don't immediately feel ill.  In fact, even the next day I feel fairly normal.  Day 3, 4, & 5, I feel pretty creepy all over with aching joints and muscles.  I take two different anti-nausea drugs that have kept me on an even keel.  But by days 5, 6 & 7 (sometimes longer) I need to be close to a bathroom because the diarrhea hits ... often!  Also, for that first 7 days, I have a daily injection of a drug that helps boost my white blood cells and prevent infection.  My private nurse ... TRINA ... gives me the injection.  More needles .... yay ....

By day 8 & 9 I'm feeling pretty good and Day 10 is normal ..... then they hit me again in 11 days!  Whoo Hoo!

I hope this all reads ok ... cuz it's making me a little sick to my stomach to re-read it (I think that's why I didn't really want to document it) ... but, I can't tell you how blessed I am ...

no mouth sores
only slight nail discoloration
still haven't lost ALL my hair
no vomiting
pretty good sleeping

Soooo  many people have had it much worse than me.  So I count my blessings.  I'm on DAY 8 after chemo #5 ... sooo only one more to go!  I might just make it ......

... how hard can it be ......................

TODAY ... is not about me ...

today ... 

it's about Liz ...

Our dear, sweet friend flies home today after burying her husband of over 30 years in their hometown of Brigham City, Utah.  

No 50 year old woman should ever have to do that ...

The Gary I'll always remember is the guy who ...

is known as the "go-to" guy for whatever project you need done..

is full of integrity..

is always willing..

is the guy I never hiked a trail with, 

but cut all the wood to improve a trail for my son's eagle project..

what a guy ... and what a friend to all.

So, the third lesson of cancer is ... keep everything in perspective.

We love you, Liz

One Third, that's 33%, DONE!

.... Yep!  Chemo2 is over and I'm coming out of the fog a little sooner .... and feeling very grateful!  I'm actually looking forward to Chemo3 .... just so I can say I'm HALF done!  hahahahaha ... it's amazing how you can start thinkin' crazy like that!

THANKSGIVING was AWESOME … I hope yours was, too …. All the kids and grandkids were here except Jenee … she had just been in for a couple of days the weekend before … my mom & dad, Tif, Bryce, Ben and Matt, and Aunt Marian and cousin, Skip.   Kendyll & Shanna ran the kitchen with mom & Tif as worthy & willing assistants.  We had all the standard fare plus the best homemade rolls EVER.  And Shanna doesn’t just make enough rolls for dinner … she makes enough for sandwiches for the next two days!  And pies!  Everyone had their specialty … Mom’s REALsweet potatoes, Tif’s jello, Kendyll’s cranberry cheese dip, Marian’s fruit salad (& stuffing with Italian sausage … hard to pick a fav!)  All this magically happened while I was a slug in bed … one time, ONE TIME, Shanna tip-toed in and whispered, “can I ask you a question …..?”  Then, on cue … I actually GOT DRESSED, made a grand entrance …. And enjoyed the feast with my awesome family!  I love them!  EVERYone of them … and I love hearing them  talk and joke and tease and play no-holds-barred-Rumikub … nothing is better than FAMILY ….

…. Except when they   l e a v e   …. Mom & Dad are the last to go … tomorrow afternoon … (insert frowny face HERE)

Next up:  Chemo3 on December 13^th AND I’ll be back-to-good by Christmas!  Whoo Hoo!

.... So, here's the Second Lesson of Chemo ....
No matter how bad the situation is, there's always some good to be found ...

I like to call these little silver linings, "cancer perks" ... so dubbed by my cute friend, Liz!  No really ... there are alot of perks!  Trina mentioned one the other day, after she had spent a half hour blow-drying and curling her blond locks, just to have it all immediately droop in the weather .. she thought, "hmmmm, I bet Shannon didn't spend any time on her hair today!"  hahahahaha ... right you are!  cancer perk!  And, this is a big one ... I didn't spend any time shaving my legs either!  Seriously!  I might have to have laser hair removal on my legs after treatment, cuz it is SWEET to not have to shave your legs!  cancer perk!

"honey, you need to take me to this chick-flick .... "  cancer perk!

no cooking or cleaning on THANKSGIVING DAY….  cancer perk!

an automatic excuse for every mistake, mishap, miscalculation, misplacement, misunderstanding or misadventure … cancer perk!

extra long hugs and kisses from big boys … cancer perk!

extra prayers, extra phone calls, extra cards, love & attention …. all … cancer perks!

a current “cancer card” to be PLAYED whenever I feel like it … cancer perk!

I’M TELLING YOU … this is a good gig! Hahahahahahahahahaha

the first lesson of chemo is ...

YOU CAN'T POWER THROUGH IT!

now this is a hard lesson for me ... cuz I can POWER THROUGH anything ...
 GOOD LESSON



So, I can't believe it's been three weeks and I'm headed back for my second chemo this morning (this was written on Monday & posted on Tuesday, cuz I was having trouble posting the pictures).  It was easier in some ways and harder than I expected, in others.  Isn't that just about the way LIFE is?  The first 10 days were pretty crummy .. and then it was just like I started coming out of a listless fog ... and the last week was GREAT!  So, of course, I ran around like a crazy person trying to get all the undone done ... CHRISTMAS is coming, you know!

And ...

Dane & Jenee arrived on Friday morning (sadly Jenee could only stay for a couple of days because of work), Reed, Shanna, Chad & Blake came in the pre-dawn hours of Saturday, and Kendyll, Brad & WESLEY, JACK & AVERY arrived that afternoon.  And, BONUS, we have my mom & dad (dad spent a day at Disney with my sis).  Plus!  Tif, Bryce, Ben & Matt come on Wednesday!  Thank heaven for friends with extra beds!

.... so you can imagine my delight at being able to get some long awaited family pictures!  Our wonderful friend and photographer, Brit Mann snapped away in a Heaven-sent respite from the rain at South Mission Beach ... I will post pictures & a link to her site soon ... you can find her on facebook as Brit Mann Photography ... do it! 

But ... Oh My Goodness ... I got ahead of myself ....  hahahahahaha .... I got a HEAD of myself ....

.... yep .... I have quite a lot less hair these days ... it's cool ... no, I mean really cool, like COLD!  I did get to make a gradual transition with a fun haircut with FRIENDS ....

(my sweet friend, Suzan Patton, surprised me with a visit!)

And then we got started with the haircut!

  

And this is me as a shortcut, lovingly & expertly done by awesome Valerie Klein!

So, the reason for the haircut is that with my particular chemo, it is expected that I would start losing hair at approximately day 14 ... and it is amazing how the body works ... because exactly at day 14 I started shedding! heavily! 

But, and I hope this is ok, I prayed that I could keep enough hair for our family picture ... day 20!  I figured me with short hair looked more natural that me with no hair ... haha ... or a hat or wig or whatever ... and thankfully, my prayer was answered ... very specifically ... because that evening it really started coming out.

Sooooooooooo .... 

.... the boys had some fun with the clippers!

(Dane, Reed, Brad, Chad, Blake & Mom)

... and Reed decided to get in on the action too! He's cute no matter what!

Also, last week, to my great surprise, 5 members of the Singles Ward shaved their heads!  I would never in a million years ask anyone to do that (Kendyll said, "Mom, I totally love you, but I would never shave my head!") ... but I am so honored by their love and concern!  Thank you to all ... shaved or unshaved ... I feel your love and support every day!

my blessings are innumerable ...

I thought, as I sat in my living room 

surrounded by a circle of priesthood

Husband

Father

Sons

YOU tell me .... what more can I ask for?

ONE DOWN ...

... five to go ...

Yes, today was my first foray into chemo-world ... not as fun as say, DISNEY WORLD ...

So, this is how it went ... and this will be short cuz I just want to go to my bed ...

We arrived at 9:45 to meet with the research nurse, Nancy ... my new BFF ... I hadn't told most of you that we had decided to participate in a clinical trial ... more about that later ... but I had to meet with Nancy again since I had had a little trouble with my blood pressure and having a low enough reading to be able to qualify for the trial.  After two tries, we were good to go ... but then it probably took another 45 minutes for her to finish registering me for the trial. 

Harold and I both were very much in favor of participating in the trial ...

first,
why NOT me ... I mean, somebody's gotta do it ...

next,
possible better treatment (all standard or above ... no placebos ... hahaha) ...

and,
definately better monitoring by another layer of nursing staff ...

and,
more testing (also a downside ...)

You don't want to know all the details of the trial ... but ... it consists of 3 groups that are to be compared for efficacy & side effects ... and the selection is blind.  So, we had prayed that I would be selected for the RIGHT group for ME.  And as it turned out, I will receive the same treatment that is commonly used and that my doctor would have recommended if I had not gone with the trial.  He actually stopped by during the treatment and commented that it may seem like it was for nothing since I am not on the experimental drugs, but that it was very helpful to be able to use my data in the study ... data that would go unevaluated if I wasn't on the study.  So I feel good about that ... and will also enjoy the other benefits.

So, we got started at about 11:45 .... a little rough at first when I almost passed-out during the IV insertion ... hahaha ... CHICKEN!  But, I'll get better at it ...

After that ... it was a breeze ... each of three drugs were administered separately through the IV ... they watched for side effects ... and I had none ...

I'm home with a table-full of assorted antinausea drugs ... and ... BONUS ... 7 days of daily injections to boost my white blood count ... THAT was a surprise!  But, Trina is thrilled!  (that stint in nursing school really gave her a taste for blood!)  She will come each evening to give me the injection.  Tiffany was offended that I didn't ask her ... to which I replied that I just didn't think I could handled any possible pent-up, latent, sibling rivalry to be transferred to the needle!

And here's my favorite part of today ... My sister Tiffany came into town last night to spend the week with me ... and she brought a present!

Tif says that cancer is like Cancun ... you can't go and not get the t-shirt!

(and, for those of you who can't find your reading glasses ... it says ...
"No, they're not real.  the real ones tried to kill me.")

hahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha ... Laughter IS the BEST medicine!

I say it every time ... and I mean it ...
I have the best friends and family in the world! 
Thank you sooooo much for your love and prayers
... I CAN feel it!

Now the REAL fun begins ...

... and actually, it's a relief to just get on with it! 

(Don't tell anyone ... but I am ... "as we speak" ... listening to my first Christmas cd of the season!  Whoo hoo!  Now, don't freak out ... you no-Christmas-'til-after-Thanksgiving-people ... it doesn't really count because it's John Rutter choral stuff ... not full-on jingle bells, sleigh rides and santa stuff ... hahaha ... and I'm LOVING it!  John Rutter will ... if you let him ... make your heart soar ....)

"Why does this chilling winter's morn
Smile, like a field beset with corn?
Or smell like a meadow newly shorn,
Thus, on the sudden?  Come and see
The cause, why things thus fragrant be:
"Tis He is born, whose quickening birth
Give life and lustre, public mirth,
To heaven, and the under-earth."

(Someday ... if I can figure out how ... I will post a link to his music for you to hear.  In the meantime, you can YouTube: john rutter what sweeter music  ... and choose the first option, King's College Cambridge 2008 #10 What Sweeter Music John Rutter ... trust me ... you will love it!)

So, we've been in a bit of a holding pattern for the past couple of weeks.  I saw the surgeon a week ago and he indicated that it should be another week or two ... considering the progress of my healing ... before I start chemo.  I had been a little "iffy" about the oncologist that we had met the week before, so I asked Dr. Bertucci ... who Harold and I both like VERY much ... if he had a recommendation for an oncologist and he immediately gave us a name.  We will meet with this new doctor next Tuesday, the 26th and then likely start the chemo on Monday, November 1st.  Yesterday was Week 5 since my surgery .. so we are pretty much on track.  I am concerned in delaying the treatment - even by just a few days - but as I will have quite a  l o n gterm relationship with the oncologist, I just want to be comfortable with my choice.

I feel good ...

STRONG
anxious
determined

... a n d   a   l i t t l e   scared (I'd be lying if I didn't say so ..)

But, wow!  What a wonderful time of science and technology to live in ... where I have such good doctors and treatment opportunities!

So .. speaking of which ... I have to tell you a little story .. my best laugh in a long time!  And in advance I want to say, Chad, you are awesome!  And I love you so much!

Chad was home recently for a weekend trip to welcome home his pal, Dustin Drees, just returned from a spanish-speaking mission to Houston, TX.  It was a quick trip and mostly spent with his buddies, so our first real time to visit was as we drove him up to Corona to meet-up with this ride back to Utah. 

As a side-thought, I smile to myself when I think of how different each of my children are.  All moms know this truth.  The girls are interested in each detail .. where the boys, while still expressing their love, just want the "facts" and nothing gorey or "personal" ...

Sooooo  ... I'm in the front seat and Chad in the back .. and out of the blue he says ... "sooooo ... mom ... soooo ... when exactly will you start your chemo ... ?  (me) "mmm, maybe 2 or 3 weeks ... "  (chad) "... and then how long 'til you'll lose your hair ... ?  (me) "probably about 2 weeks after I start"  (long pause - chad)  "What a great OPPORTUNITY!"

Seriously ... hahahahaha ... I turned around in my seat and looked at him ... wondering .... and then he says, with no breath, "I-totally-have-always-wanted-to-know-what-I would-look-like-bald-but-I've-never-had-the-courage-to-shave-my-head-This-is-such-a-great-opportunity-for-you!  (me ... sputtering)  "um .. yeah ... I   g u e s s   so ..."  (chad) "I-mean-really-haven't-you-always-wanted-to-know-And-now-you-will-get-to-see-what-you-will-look-like-bald-Isn't-that-awesome!-what-a-great-opportunity! (Now, that's a great returned-missionary for you!)

I don't recall what, if anything, I said after that .. because my mind was racing with the concept of looking at this whole cancer experience as an OPPORTUNITY!  Just think .. in addition to the aforementioned, AND my recent visit at the hospital to help me lose 5 lbs. or so of "fatty tissue", I will also have the opportunity of getting over my crazy fear of needles, and, BONUS, alot of leisure time over the next few months!  I LOVE IT!

... and I love all of you ... that's the opportunity ... to know you and feel your love and support ... THANKS!